BPILF: Fall Classic Edition

Here at YB!, we're notorious Twins superfans. But at least one of us (that being me) is a huge baseball fan, in general. So even though my Twinkies didn't make the playoffs, I'm not bitter. I celebrate their successes. In that spirit, I've looked over the two teams competing for the World Series Championship, and judged them based on the always-rigorous "Would ILF?" scale.

A note on BPILF methodology: If you click the links, do Lauren a favor and don't just look at the roster picture (most of them are terrible!) but look at the gallery for a true showcase of the athletic hottness that these fine players represent.

Boston Red Sox: I'll be totally upfront with y'all and say that I fucking hate the BoSox. Not only are they really old and notoriously not attractive--making this BPILF quite difficult to complete--they annoy the crap out of me. Up until and through 2004 I appreciated the BoSox plight, because as a Cubbies fan we shared a similar pain: the pain of choking at the worst possible moment. But then the BoSox won the Series, started giving out huge money to average-at-best players (SEE: Eric Gagne, J.D. Drew, etc) and became perennial contenders with a payroll that is eerily close to that of the "Evil Empire".

But--this is the worst of it! Their irritating fans still cling to this incredible belief, that despite their $140m-plus payroll, that the Sox are the same charming, loveable losers with the can-do spirit that they were in 2004. Cowboy up, my ass! The BoSox are the Yankees.

Having said that, there are a few players who make this year's Fall Classic tolerable on the eyes:
1. Boston Becks. Yeah, he's an ass. He wears a dumbass-looking hemp necklace. He has a soul patch (Dude. It's 2007. Move on.) He's un-sportsmanlike. But he's a fuckin' good pitcher and he knows it, and that's pretty hot. Josh Beckett is that guy in school who's popular and good at sports and knows exactly how hot he is, and you want to hate him for it, but you can't because you agree that he's hot as hell. Well, shit.

2. Jon Lester. He's a cutie. And I would say mean things about him but I can't, because he has cancer.

3. Jacoby Ellsbury.

4. Jonathan Papelbon.

5. Dustin Pedroia. This is a pretty good example of the lack of a depth of attractiveness in the BoSox lineup. On a lot of other teams, he'd be an honorable mention. But with teammates like Gagne, Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Youk, he's a hottie by comparison. Sheesh. Message Terry Francona, et al: Find. Hotter. Players.

Honorable Mention: Gonna give some love to the 40-man roster: Kyle Jackson, and... um... Kevin Cash.

Cripes. That was hard.

Now, in this corner: The Colorado Rockies, darlings of October baseball. These are the real underdogs, people! In fact, they are so committed to the underdog label that they decided to start the World Series 0-3, just so they could stage a dramatic comeback. I like the Rox. They have a microscopic payroll and they're chock-a-block full of homegrown talent. They have the presumptive NL Rookie of the Year and NL MVP. No shit, I'm biased. Who can blame me? They are much hotter than their AL opponents. You be the judge:

1. Chris Iannetta. Back-up catcher, yeah whatevs. We tell you time and time again, this has nothing to do with athletic prowess. It's all about being shallow.

2. Troy Tulowitzki. I might be all alone on this one, but I think he's so hot.

3. Brad Hawpe.

4. Seth Smith. Damn.

5. Matt Holliday.

Honorable Mention: More love to the 40-man roster, in the form of Ian Stewart and Sean Barker.

YB! knows that the off-season is approaching, but never fear, because we've got lots of wonderful things planned! I'm working on MLB-wide BPILF lists, culminating in my magnum opus, the BPILF fantasy team. Trust me that shamelessly judging professional athletes solely on their physical attractiveness isn't as easy or as fun as it sounds. Okay, that's a lie. Until next time!

Stick a fork in Cleveland, they're done.

Ah, the sweet taste of victory. I like the fact that the BoSox took the AL. Maybe I feel vindicated since we lost to the Tribe. Either way, this is going to make so many people fat...and happy. Just a friendly heads up.

Fun with food

So, over Summits and Premos, Lauren and I had a hell of a time tonight discussing what we thought the initials in C.C. Sabathia's name stood for. We came up with four main possibilities: Cheeseburger Consumer, Chief Chomper, Chocolate Covered and Chocolate Chip. This lead to talking about food. I was craving a muffeletta of sorts and when I started describing this to Lauren, the following conversation took place:
Nicky: "I want to take some french bread, throw on some capicola or proscuitto, [genoa] salami, and pepperoni and provolone. Toasted."
Lauren: "Do you know what that's called?"
Nicky: "A muffeletta?"
Lauren: "No..."
Nicky: "A Saltalamacchia?!"*
Now, to the business idea: we are going to open up a baseball restaurant and have all the food named after players. We came up with a few ideas for food, but the food need to relate to the player some how. Here are the ideas:
Carlos Silva - Beef Skewers
CC Sabathia - Cheeseburger
David Ortiz - Beef Enchilada
Juan Rincon - Beef and Bean Burrito
Magglio Ordonez - Paella
Coco Crisp - Coco Crispies (I know, tres creative)
Boof Bonser - Deep Fried Snickers
Alex Rodriguez - Shrimp Cocktail
Jonathan Papelbon - Creme Brulee
(Any and all suggestions are welcome for additional menu items)
So yeah, we were watching the game, but this is the type of thing that happens when Lauren and I watch baseball with beers in hand.

For the ALCS, Lauren and I are taking opposing sides. She is cheering for the Tribe and while I'm not speaking on her behalf, I think part of it is the fact that they beat us. Cheers.
I fucking hate the Yankees. Therefore, I love Boston. Simple as that. AL Reppin.

*Upon earlier discussion circa August, Lauren and I decided that Jarrod Saltalamacchia's surname sounded like a delicious Italian sandwich.

Post Script

Confidential to Lew Ford:

Nicky said that I was a little too harsh in my correspondence to you the other day. My sincerest apologies if my attacks were a bit too ad hominem. In future rants regarding your general crappiness, I will do my best to focus on your baseball skills, and the many ways in which those skills are, at best, sub-par.

However, I would like to throw in a positive note: I like that you wear the short pants. That's a look that I really want to make a comeback (seriously, ask Nicky--I love the short pants and stirrups). Keep on rocking those knickers.

I'm still glad you're no longer a Twin, though.

Whatever,
Lauren

Bon voyage!

Dear Lew Ford,

I would like to take this time to wish you the best possible luck in free agency. No, in all honesty. It take cajones for a gentleman like yourself to hit about .230 on the year, spending most of your time in left field being confused by the Metrodome ceiling (more on this later), and on the occasion that you're put in to pinch-run, make baserunning mistakes that your average Double-A player can avoid.

Right. A Triple-A assignment is most definitely beneath you. Maybe you could play for the Reds--they suck as much as you do. Or the Cardinals, although you might want to take out a sizeable Aflac and/or life insurance policy if you head down to St. Louis.

But, seriously, the thing with the Metrodome ceiling, what was that? I understand that it can mess a ballplayer up sometimes. One of the things that I love about that monstrosity on Kirby Puckett Place is its ability, once in a while, to throw a visiting player totally off his game. And I know that you went and had knee surgery and then spent some time in Florida (most likely playing shuffleboard).
But Lew, my dear, they didn't change the Metrodome ceiling while you were gone. For a dude who has called the Metrodome home for his entire career in the majors, that's pretty much unacceptable.

Also, just a thing to remember: This isn't 2004, when you hit .300 with 15 HR. This is 2007, the year you batted .230 with a whopping 3 longballs. Just something to keep in your mind when the D-Rays are offering you league minimum to split time between Triple-A and the majors. Yeah. THE D-RAYS.

Au revoir, mon ami! I will miss your doofy face with the perpetual "I wonder what I should order for dinner? I wonder if I'll get back to the hotel in time to a watch Star Trek: The Next Generation rerun? Ooops missed a pop fly again!" look on your face. I will miss you, even if only because a girl can only complain so much about Juan Rincon and his ballooning ERA.

Ciao!
Signed,
Lauren (who doesn't like to admit that Jason Kubel is growing on her a little bit. I have a feeling that soon, that dude will be able to hit.)

This is why I suck

So, I haven't posted in awhile, obviously. I was in denial about the Twins' season ending, so I just turned to my second love, hockey, rather than dealing with the loss. There is a post-season wrap up coming soon, I swear. In the meantime, I cried a little bit inside, because I love Lew Ford (and I don't quite know why...) and he will no longer be with our team. If you need me, I will be drowning all of my current sorrows in a glass of vodka with my lone pack of cigarettes to keep me company.