Here at YB!, we're notorious Twins superfans. But at least one of us (that being me) is a huge baseball fan, in general. So even though my Twinkies didn't make the playoffs, I'm not bitter. I celebrate their successes. In that spirit, I've looked over the two teams competing for the World Series Championship, and judged them based on the always-rigorous "Would ILF?" scale.
A note on BPILF methodology: If you click the links, do Lauren a favor and don't just look at the roster picture (most of them are terrible!) but look at the gallery for a true showcase of the athletic hottness that these fine players represent.
Boston Red Sox: I'll be totally upfront with y'all and say that I fucking hate the BoSox. Not only are they really old and notoriously not attractive--making this BPILF quite difficult to complete--they annoy the crap out of me. Up until and through 2004 I appreciated the BoSox plight, because as a Cubbies fan we shared a similar pain: the pain of choking at the worst possible moment. But then the BoSox won the Series, started giving out huge money to average-at-best players (SEE: Eric Gagne, J.D. Drew, etc) and became perennial contenders with a payroll that is eerily close to that of the "Evil Empire".
But--this is the worst of it! Their irritating fans still cling to this incredible belief, that despite their $140m-plus payroll, that the Sox are the same charming, loveable losers with the can-do spirit that they were in 2004. Cowboy up, my ass! The BoSox are the Yankees.
Having said that, there are a few players who make this year's Fall Classic tolerable on the eyes:
1. Boston Becks. Yeah, he's an ass. He wears a dumbass-looking hemp necklace. He has a soul patch (Dude. It's 2007. Move on.) He's un-sportsmanlike. But he's a fuckin' good pitcher and he knows it, and that's pretty hot. Josh Beckett is that guy in school who's popular and good at sports and knows exactly how hot he is, and you want to hate him for it, but you can't because you agree that he's hot as hell. Well, shit.
2. Jon Lester. He's a cutie. And I would say mean things about him but I can't, because he has cancer.
3. Jacoby Ellsbury.
4. Jonathan Papelbon.
5. Dustin Pedroia. This is a pretty good example of the lack of a depth of attractiveness in the BoSox lineup. On a lot of other teams, he'd be an honorable mention. But with teammates like Gagne, Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Youk, he's a hottie by comparison. Sheesh. Message Terry Francona, et al: Find. Hotter. Players.
Honorable Mention: Gonna give some love to the 40-man roster: Kyle Jackson, and... um... Kevin Cash.
Cripes. That was hard.
Now, in this corner: The Colorado Rockies, darlings of October baseball. These are the real underdogs, people! In fact, they are so committed to the underdog label that they decided to start the World Series 0-3, just so they could stage a dramatic comeback. I like the Rox. They have a microscopic payroll and they're chock-a-block full of homegrown talent. They have the presumptive NL Rookie of the Year and NL MVP. No shit, I'm biased. Who can blame me? They are much hotter than their AL opponents. You be the judge:
1. Chris Iannetta. Back-up catcher, yeah whatevs. We tell you time and time again, this has nothing to do with athletic prowess. It's all about being shallow.
2. Troy Tulowitzki. I might be all alone on this one, but I think he's so hot.
3. Brad Hawpe.
4. Seth Smith. Damn.
5. Matt Holliday.
Honorable Mention: More love to the 40-man roster, in the form of Ian Stewart and Sean Barker.
YB! knows that the off-season is approaching, but never fear, because we've got lots of wonderful things planned! I'm working on MLB-wide BPILF lists, culminating in my magnum opus, the BPILF fantasy team. Trust me that shamelessly judging professional athletes solely on their physical attractiveness isn't as easy or as fun as it sounds. Okay, that's a lie. Until next time!
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