Bon voyage!

Dear Lew Ford,

I would like to take this time to wish you the best possible luck in free agency. No, in all honesty. It take cajones for a gentleman like yourself to hit about .230 on the year, spending most of your time in left field being confused by the Metrodome ceiling (more on this later), and on the occasion that you're put in to pinch-run, make baserunning mistakes that your average Double-A player can avoid.

Right. A Triple-A assignment is most definitely beneath you. Maybe you could play for the Reds--they suck as much as you do. Or the Cardinals, although you might want to take out a sizeable Aflac and/or life insurance policy if you head down to St. Louis.

But, seriously, the thing with the Metrodome ceiling, what was that? I understand that it can mess a ballplayer up sometimes. One of the things that I love about that monstrosity on Kirby Puckett Place is its ability, once in a while, to throw a visiting player totally off his game. And I know that you went and had knee surgery and then spent some time in Florida (most likely playing shuffleboard).
But Lew, my dear, they didn't change the Metrodome ceiling while you were gone. For a dude who has called the Metrodome home for his entire career in the majors, that's pretty much unacceptable.

Also, just a thing to remember: This isn't 2004, when you hit .300 with 15 HR. This is 2007, the year you batted .230 with a whopping 3 longballs. Just something to keep in your mind when the D-Rays are offering you league minimum to split time between Triple-A and the majors. Yeah. THE D-RAYS.

Au revoir, mon ami! I will miss your doofy face with the perpetual "I wonder what I should order for dinner? I wonder if I'll get back to the hotel in time to a watch Star Trek: The Next Generation rerun? Ooops missed a pop fly again!" look on your face. I will miss you, even if only because a girl can only complain so much about Juan Rincon and his ballooning ERA.

Ciao!
Signed,
Lauren (who doesn't like to admit that Jason Kubel is growing on her a little bit. I have a feeling that soon, that dude will be able to hit.)