Twins 2008 Roster: Short on hotness.

These are sad times in BPILF Nation, my friends. Winter has been cruel to us: foxy Torii Hunter bounced to Californ-i-a, Johan Santana and his exceptionally sexy accent followed the money East, and Smiley Matt Garza headed south with cutie cute Jason Bartlett.

Yes, this will be a lean year for us daring few who base our fandom on the physical attractiveness of the men on the field. But hope is not lost! We still have hometown boy and the original BPILF, Joe Mauer. Sexiest Canadian alive Justin Morneau is locked in for six years at an $80m price tag. He is also, tragically, engaged to be married. To someone who is not me.

Joe Nathan is also still in Minnesota, though it remains to be seen if he'll get inked to a longer contract or be dangled as trade bait late in the summer.

There is of course, still Scott Baker, who is still delicious! Boof Bonser is back and he's cut out all the Snickers bars, so we'll give him a shot.

But the most pressing question is, what of these newcomers?

Philip Humber: Acquired from the Mets. Not an attractive roster photo, but not immediately unattractive.
Delmon Young: Again, not UNattractive. Has tendency to make weird shapes with his mouth when someone points a camera at him.
Carlos Gomez: Really, really not attractive.
Adam Everett: One of the goofiest-looking major leaguers since Lew Ford. Seriously.
Brendan Harris: Roster photo makes him look like he belongs on the short bus, however on the field he is semi-hot. Plus, he wears the knickers and tall socks! Sold.
Jason Pridie: No. Just no.

There we have it, Twins fans. Let's hope these goofy-lookin' dudes can at least play.

Thank God My Boyfriend Loves Baseball, Otherwise I Would Move to NYC to Stalk Phil Hughes

Excellent! Noted hottie Phil Hughes has his own little slice of the internets.

He runs contests, tells us about the music he likes, and wow does he have a shitty digital camera.

The Phil Hughes Weblog.

Oh, Phil Hughes....want to lick.

(Link originally from the awesomeness that is Babes Love Baseball.)

Recently seen on a Nashville-area bathroom wall: Theo <3 Johan

Happy December, fair readers! Our lovely Twin Cities have been walloped with snow (and there's more on the way--I wish I still owned cross-country skiis!) and our lovely baseball team has been the belle of the Winter Meetings ball. What's been goin' on around the Majors? Glad you asked.

Johan Watch: Day 47 (or something)! The Yanks have purportedly offered up Phil Hughes (YUM! -Ed.), Melky Cabrera and a mid-level prospect. But they're not going to stand outside the Twins' suite in Nashville, holding a boombox over their heads and playing Peter Gabriel all night! They might just take their giant sack of money and go home.

The BoSox are hanging around, too, acting like they don't even want Johan. Come on, Theo! How do you think that makes him feel? This isn't junior high. Let's put it all out on the table: you're hot for Johan. You go to sleep at night, clutching a giant plush Wally and dreaming of that slider. You're warm for his pitching form. Everybody knows it. Just ask Peter Greenberg to pass Johan a note during next period, telling him that you'll give his current team either Jacoby Ellsbury or Jon Lester, (both cute, but not really my type. -Ed.) but not both.

In other news:
- The Yankees are planning on beating up on a bunch of kids next spring.
- BATGIRL!
- Lew Ford to Japan! Haha, suckers. Told ya so.
- Carlos Silva could get $10m per year? Crikey. Assuming that happens, how do we not get draft picks?
- Howard Sinker wants you to know that it's okay to hate on Torii. Not that we really blame him.

BPILF: Fall Classic Edition

Here at YB!, we're notorious Twins superfans. But at least one of us (that being me) is a huge baseball fan, in general. So even though my Twinkies didn't make the playoffs, I'm not bitter. I celebrate their successes. In that spirit, I've looked over the two teams competing for the World Series Championship, and judged them based on the always-rigorous "Would ILF?" scale.

A note on BPILF methodology: If you click the links, do Lauren a favor and don't just look at the roster picture (most of them are terrible!) but look at the gallery for a true showcase of the athletic hottness that these fine players represent.

Boston Red Sox: I'll be totally upfront with y'all and say that I fucking hate the BoSox. Not only are they really old and notoriously not attractive--making this BPILF quite difficult to complete--they annoy the crap out of me. Up until and through 2004 I appreciated the BoSox plight, because as a Cubbies fan we shared a similar pain: the pain of choking at the worst possible moment. But then the BoSox won the Series, started giving out huge money to average-at-best players (SEE: Eric Gagne, J.D. Drew, etc) and became perennial contenders with a payroll that is eerily close to that of the "Evil Empire".

But--this is the worst of it! Their irritating fans still cling to this incredible belief, that despite their $140m-plus payroll, that the Sox are the same charming, loveable losers with the can-do spirit that they were in 2004. Cowboy up, my ass! The BoSox are the Yankees.

Having said that, there are a few players who make this year's Fall Classic tolerable on the eyes:
1. Boston Becks. Yeah, he's an ass. He wears a dumbass-looking hemp necklace. He has a soul patch (Dude. It's 2007. Move on.) He's un-sportsmanlike. But he's a fuckin' good pitcher and he knows it, and that's pretty hot. Josh Beckett is that guy in school who's popular and good at sports and knows exactly how hot he is, and you want to hate him for it, but you can't because you agree that he's hot as hell. Well, shit.

2. Jon Lester. He's a cutie. And I would say mean things about him but I can't, because he has cancer.

3. Jacoby Ellsbury.

4. Jonathan Papelbon.

5. Dustin Pedroia. This is a pretty good example of the lack of a depth of attractiveness in the BoSox lineup. On a lot of other teams, he'd be an honorable mention. But with teammates like Gagne, Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Youk, he's a hottie by comparison. Sheesh. Message Terry Francona, et al: Find. Hotter. Players.

Honorable Mention: Gonna give some love to the 40-man roster: Kyle Jackson, and... um... Kevin Cash.

Cripes. That was hard.

Now, in this corner: The Colorado Rockies, darlings of October baseball. These are the real underdogs, people! In fact, they are so committed to the underdog label that they decided to start the World Series 0-3, just so they could stage a dramatic comeback. I like the Rox. They have a microscopic payroll and they're chock-a-block full of homegrown talent. They have the presumptive NL Rookie of the Year and NL MVP. No shit, I'm biased. Who can blame me? They are much hotter than their AL opponents. You be the judge:

1. Chris Iannetta. Back-up catcher, yeah whatevs. We tell you time and time again, this has nothing to do with athletic prowess. It's all about being shallow.

2. Troy Tulowitzki. I might be all alone on this one, but I think he's so hot.

3. Brad Hawpe.

4. Seth Smith. Damn.

5. Matt Holliday.

Honorable Mention: More love to the 40-man roster, in the form of Ian Stewart and Sean Barker.

YB! knows that the off-season is approaching, but never fear, because we've got lots of wonderful things planned! I'm working on MLB-wide BPILF lists, culminating in my magnum opus, the BPILF fantasy team. Trust me that shamelessly judging professional athletes solely on their physical attractiveness isn't as easy or as fun as it sounds. Okay, that's a lie. Until next time!