Twins 2008 Roster: Short on hotness.

These are sad times in BPILF Nation, my friends. Winter has been cruel to us: foxy Torii Hunter bounced to Californ-i-a, Johan Santana and his exceptionally sexy accent followed the money East, and Smiley Matt Garza headed south with cutie cute Jason Bartlett.

Yes, this will be a lean year for us daring few who base our fandom on the physical attractiveness of the men on the field. But hope is not lost! We still have hometown boy and the original BPILF, Joe Mauer. Sexiest Canadian alive Justin Morneau is locked in for six years at an $80m price tag. He is also, tragically, engaged to be married. To someone who is not me.

Joe Nathan is also still in Minnesota, though it remains to be seen if he'll get inked to a longer contract or be dangled as trade bait late in the summer.

There is of course, still Scott Baker, who is still delicious! Boof Bonser is back and he's cut out all the Snickers bars, so we'll give him a shot.

But the most pressing question is, what of these newcomers?

Philip Humber: Acquired from the Mets. Not an attractive roster photo, but not immediately unattractive.
Delmon Young: Again, not UNattractive. Has tendency to make weird shapes with his mouth when someone points a camera at him.
Carlos Gomez: Really, really not attractive.
Adam Everett: One of the goofiest-looking major leaguers since Lew Ford. Seriously.
Brendan Harris: Roster photo makes him look like he belongs on the short bus, however on the field he is semi-hot. Plus, he wears the knickers and tall socks! Sold.
Jason Pridie: No. Just no.

There we have it, Twins fans. Let's hope these goofy-lookin' dudes can at least play.

Whither Art Thou, Starting Pitching?

OR: Dear Juan Rincon, I Wish You Were Dead and/or Had Been Traded to Tampa Bay*
*same difference, in my opinion

The opening act, ladies and gentleman!
In this corner: RHP Smilin' Matt Garza, IF Jason Bartlett and prospie RHP Eduardo Morlan.
In the opposite corner: OF Delmon "Batshit Insane" Young, SS Brendan Harris and OF Jason Pridie.

Goodbye and godspeed, Matt Garza! We will miss you and your very happy roster photo.

On an entirely different note: Why, God, why? "The deal had originally been thought to include right-hander Juan Rincon, but after some holdups in the negotiations, it was changed to include Morlan instead."

Maybe the negotiation "holdups" had to do with Juan Rincon totally sucking ass at, you know, baseball.

Just a thought.

(Official Site of the Minnesota Twins: Twins land Young in blockbuster with Rays)

Hot off the stove

Rumors! I try not to pay very much attention to them. Remember when people were talking about Barry Bonds DH-ing in Minnesota? Barry. Freaking. Bonds. I am having a hard time thinking of a player who would fit WORSE into the Twins organization. Barry Bonds is a big ol' plate of crazy!

My point being: most trade rumors are ridiculous hogwash! But let's induldge the crazies for a moment, shall we?

The Hot Stove: It's the Johan Santana show! Starring everyone's favorite Cy Young winner, he of the razor-thin goatee and sexiest accent ever! He's going to the Yankees (Shocked! I am shocked! -Ed.) or perhaps Los Angeles--both the Angels and the Dodgers have been thrown around. Other sources (ESPN) include the Mets and the Red Sox. These being the only teams that could possibly take on 6 years and 130m. He's got a full no-trade clause and likely won't waive it without a long, fat contract with the new team. Veeeeery interesting. I personally hate the Dodgers and the Mets the least out of those teams, so I hope he goes to either. If he goes. I hope he doesn't go. Think we could get Jose Reyes and David Wright from the Mets? David Wright is fine.

I'm very sorry to report this, Nicky, but I hadn't actually heard it before: Matt Garza to the Rays for Delmon Young. Who? The Rays have trade-worthy players, really? If you say so. Mentioning Matt Garza gives me an excuse to post the Best Roster Photo Ever:

Over at FOXSports.com, the always-erudite Ken Rosenthal kindly informs us that trading for Santana will be really expensive. Wow. You don't say!

Fetch me a broom!

Because we swept the series!! Yeah, buddy! #2 BF, Matt Garza, I am very proud of you! There was smiling last night, at least on my end of things. Hopefully, we can take that momentum into this weekend and avoid being swept by the White Sox.
Also, props to the Strib fan blog for this little gem. I will take this into account when I'm at the game tomorrow.

Sorry this is so short, my little brother was in a motorcycle accident last night, so aside from not seeing the game, I'm a little bit off still. Cheers all the same.

Help Wanted

Position available, located behind home plate at HHH Metrodome. Must be able to travel. Job duties include squatting for long periods at a time, catching baseballs at 90 mph, batting well, smiling. If you cry because you get a booboo from a base running error between first and second base, you need not apply. No wussies. Send application, resume and head shot to me.

Yeah, not good to be a Twins catcher right now. Seriously.

Okay, game recap time. B1, White Sox score two runs. I was running errands at this point, so I didn't actually watch it. T2, Contreras gets beaned in the leg by L. Rodriguez. Eat it, bitch. Contreras walks it off and continues pitching. Atta boy, champ. One run scored for us. T3, we take a big lead, scoring four runs. At this point, I was like "Hells yeah! We have GOT this! It is IN THE BAG!" I was wrong. B4, Chicago comes back and says "Eat this, three runs, whores!" Because of this, Matt Garza cries. However, we make a very nice game of tag between third and home plate to end the inning. Looked like something you'd see in a movie. If you were to be scoring it, it would be notated as 6-4-5-1-5. To come back from this, our brand new catcher, Mr. Morales stumbles over himself in between first and second bases in T5. Big owie. No smiles. Limps off the field. We score a run that inning. T6, Two-I hits a homer. High five buddy. 7-5. I think we're going to win now. Contreras taps out. Mike Myers to the mound. Not pretty. Like, he's not hot. B7, Pierzynski (former Twin, I might add) pinch hits off of fresh pitcher Carmen Cali, home run right there. Mr. Sidearm comes in to relieve Cali. Two outs. Two more runs scored. 8-7. T8, MacDougal to the mound, pitches .2 of the inning. Thorton to the mound to close the half of the inning. B8, bases loaded with White Sox, 2 away, Matt Guerrier steps in. Gets the K. Hotness. Scoreless on both sides for the rest of the game.
White Sox Manager, Ozzie Guillen said "The last two games were the ugliest games I've ever seen in baseball, for both sides." Not too hot.

Things Matt Garza Likes

Sorry we've been slackers lately. Lauren just moved and does not have internet at home yet. On Thursday, I was giving 22 a big, warm welcome. Now, I am back at it.
So, if you look at Matt Garza's bio pic, he's so happy looking! Quite some time ago, Lauren and I were discussing this and wondered "Golly, I wonder what Matt Garza likes? He sure looks like something makes him happy." Therefore, we started listing possibilities.

• Warm fuzzies
• Presents
  
• Puppies that are soft
• Ice Cream
• Sunshine
• Mommy and Daddy
• Smiling
  
• Baseball
• Torii Hunter
• Bonfires
• Rainbows
• Cookies
• Naps
• Pinatas
• Karaoke
• Nightlights
• Opening Day
  
• Sno-Cones
• Apple Juice
• Chocolate Milk
  
• Friends
  
• Watching Mr. Rogers
• Birthdays
• Hugs
• BBQs
• S'mores
• Fun
• Things that are shiny
• Christmas Day
  

Then again, there are things that Matt Garza does not like:

• Owies
• Booboos
• Thunderstorms, 'cause they're scary
• Gardy when he's mad
• Cold Pricklies
• Rain-outs
• Juan Rincon
• Cancer
• Swears
  

Okay, these lists are works in progress, so we will add as needed. Feel free to suggest.

Tomorrow's Game(s)

Well, tomorrow is the big double-header against our friends, the KC Royals. Throughout the season, we are 5-6 with them, so my thoughts are as follows:
For the afternoon game (which is the game that was rescheduled from the bridge collapse, for those of you living underneath rocks), my boyfriend Matt Garza is going to have a helluva time. Honestly, he has not been mounting a serious effort lately and I'm hoping that he will turn it around, but I can't say for sure that I think he will. I mean, seriously, his ERA for the last month...well, let's just say it doesn't make my mouth water.
As for the night game, Lauren and I will be in attendance. The Twins have been victorious at every game we've been to this season, so I have no reason to believe we will lose. Then again, Gardy could get drunk on the job and throw Juan Rincon in as a starter. Here's hopin' for good decisions.
If all goes well, we will have pictures, stories, in-depth analysis and suggestions for good spots to drink at the end of the evening.