Twins 2008 Roster: Short on hotness.

These are sad times in BPILF Nation, my friends. Winter has been cruel to us: foxy Torii Hunter bounced to Californ-i-a, Johan Santana and his exceptionally sexy accent followed the money East, and Smiley Matt Garza headed south with cutie cute Jason Bartlett.

Yes, this will be a lean year for us daring few who base our fandom on the physical attractiveness of the men on the field. But hope is not lost! We still have hometown boy and the original BPILF, Joe Mauer. Sexiest Canadian alive Justin Morneau is locked in for six years at an $80m price tag. He is also, tragically, engaged to be married. To someone who is not me.

Joe Nathan is also still in Minnesota, though it remains to be seen if he'll get inked to a longer contract or be dangled as trade bait late in the summer.

There is of course, still Scott Baker, who is still delicious! Boof Bonser is back and he's cut out all the Snickers bars, so we'll give him a shot.

But the most pressing question is, what of these newcomers?

Philip Humber: Acquired from the Mets. Not an attractive roster photo, but not immediately unattractive.
Delmon Young: Again, not UNattractive. Has tendency to make weird shapes with his mouth when someone points a camera at him.
Carlos Gomez: Really, really not attractive.
Adam Everett: One of the goofiest-looking major leaguers since Lew Ford. Seriously.
Brendan Harris: Roster photo makes him look like he belongs on the short bus, however on the field he is semi-hot. Plus, he wears the knickers and tall socks! Sold.
Jason Pridie: No. Just no.

There we have it, Twins fans. Let's hope these goofy-lookin' dudes can at least play.

Recently seen on a Nashville-area bathroom wall: Theo <3 Johan

Happy December, fair readers! Our lovely Twin Cities have been walloped with snow (and there's more on the way--I wish I still owned cross-country skiis!) and our lovely baseball team has been the belle of the Winter Meetings ball. What's been goin' on around the Majors? Glad you asked.

Johan Watch: Day 47 (or something)! The Yanks have purportedly offered up Phil Hughes (YUM! -Ed.), Melky Cabrera and a mid-level prospect. But they're not going to stand outside the Twins' suite in Nashville, holding a boombox over their heads and playing Peter Gabriel all night! They might just take their giant sack of money and go home.

The BoSox are hanging around, too, acting like they don't even want Johan. Come on, Theo! How do you think that makes him feel? This isn't junior high. Let's put it all out on the table: you're hot for Johan. You go to sleep at night, clutching a giant plush Wally and dreaming of that slider. You're warm for his pitching form. Everybody knows it. Just ask Peter Greenberg to pass Johan a note during next period, telling him that you'll give his current team either Jacoby Ellsbury or Jon Lester, (both cute, but not really my type. -Ed.) but not both.

In other news:
- The Yankees are planning on beating up on a bunch of kids next spring.
- BATGIRL!
- Lew Ford to Japan! Haha, suckers. Told ya so.
- Carlos Silva could get $10m per year? Crikey. Assuming that happens, how do we not get draft picks?
- Howard Sinker wants you to know that it's okay to hate on Torii. Not that we really blame him.

Post Script

Confidential to Lew Ford:

Nicky said that I was a little too harsh in my correspondence to you the other day. My sincerest apologies if my attacks were a bit too ad hominem. In future rants regarding your general crappiness, I will do my best to focus on your baseball skills, and the many ways in which those skills are, at best, sub-par.

However, I would like to throw in a positive note: I like that you wear the short pants. That's a look that I really want to make a comeback (seriously, ask Nicky--I love the short pants and stirrups). Keep on rocking those knickers.

I'm still glad you're no longer a Twin, though.

Whatever,
Lauren

Bon voyage!

Dear Lew Ford,

I would like to take this time to wish you the best possible luck in free agency. No, in all honesty. It take cajones for a gentleman like yourself to hit about .230 on the year, spending most of your time in left field being confused by the Metrodome ceiling (more on this later), and on the occasion that you're put in to pinch-run, make baserunning mistakes that your average Double-A player can avoid.

Right. A Triple-A assignment is most definitely beneath you. Maybe you could play for the Reds--they suck as much as you do. Or the Cardinals, although you might want to take out a sizeable Aflac and/or life insurance policy if you head down to St. Louis.

But, seriously, the thing with the Metrodome ceiling, what was that? I understand that it can mess a ballplayer up sometimes. One of the things that I love about that monstrosity on Kirby Puckett Place is its ability, once in a while, to throw a visiting player totally off his game. And I know that you went and had knee surgery and then spent some time in Florida (most likely playing shuffleboard).
But Lew, my dear, they didn't change the Metrodome ceiling while you were gone. For a dude who has called the Metrodome home for his entire career in the majors, that's pretty much unacceptable.

Also, just a thing to remember: This isn't 2004, when you hit .300 with 15 HR. This is 2007, the year you batted .230 with a whopping 3 longballs. Just something to keep in your mind when the D-Rays are offering you league minimum to split time between Triple-A and the majors. Yeah. THE D-RAYS.

Au revoir, mon ami! I will miss your doofy face with the perpetual "I wonder what I should order for dinner? I wonder if I'll get back to the hotel in time to a watch Star Trek: The Next Generation rerun? Ooops missed a pop fly again!" look on your face. I will miss you, even if only because a girl can only complain so much about Juan Rincon and his ballooning ERA.

Ciao!
Signed,
Lauren (who doesn't like to admit that Jason Kubel is growing on her a little bit. I have a feeling that soon, that dude will be able to hit.)

This is why I suck

So, I haven't posted in awhile, obviously. I was in denial about the Twins' season ending, so I just turned to my second love, hockey, rather than dealing with the loss. There is a post-season wrap up coming soon, I swear. In the meantime, I cried a little bit inside, because I love Lew Ford (and I don't quite know why...) and he will no longer be with our team. If you need me, I will be drowning all of my current sorrows in a glass of vodka with my lone pack of cigarettes to keep me company.

Socked.

Twins 4, White Sox 6. So sad. I was in the lower level with my good buddy Matt. I was pretty happy with the game, all in all. Honestly, it was a good game, it was back and forth. 3 strikes from the Sox, 12 from the Twinkies. I cannot say how excited I am to see what happens with Blackie. He's just a puppy. He's a strong pitcher and I think he could do a lot for us.
I have a strong connection to Lew Ford for some reason. I don't know why. I just love the dude. Laur makes fun of me for it. He's back in left field, where he belongs and he made such a wicked catch in T7. Basketballer-style jump. Y'know, we made the list of things that Matt Garza likes...how about a list of things that Lew likes? I hafta give props to my buddy Matt for his major input. And now, I give you things that Lew Ford likes:

• Rocking Chairs
• Sunsets
• Warm Milk
• Arnie Palmers
• Matlock
• Murder She Wrote
• Going to bed early
• Magic Cards
  

Things Lew does not like:

• Driving faster than 5 mph under the speed limit
• Hooligans
• Rabble rousers
• Waking up any later than 8:00 am
• Damn punk kids
• Noisy hippy-hop rap music...just sounds like noises and loud talking

Runs scored for the Twins in innings 3 and 6. White Sox scored in innings 1, 4, 5 and 7. Very back and forth. We'll see what happens tomorrow, it's an early game, so the boys might be cranky, what with missing their naps and Mr. Rogers and whatnot. You get the idea.