Whither Art Thou, Starting Pitching?

OR: Dear Juan Rincon, I Wish You Were Dead and/or Had Been Traded to Tampa Bay*
*same difference, in my opinion

The opening act, ladies and gentleman!
In this corner: RHP Smilin' Matt Garza, IF Jason Bartlett and prospie RHP Eduardo Morlan.
In the opposite corner: OF Delmon "Batshit Insane" Young, SS Brendan Harris and OF Jason Pridie.

Goodbye and godspeed, Matt Garza! We will miss you and your very happy roster photo.

On an entirely different note: Why, God, why? "The deal had originally been thought to include right-hander Juan Rincon, but after some holdups in the negotiations, it was changed to include Morlan instead."

Maybe the negotiation "holdups" had to do with Juan Rincon totally sucking ass at, you know, baseball.

Just a thought.

(Official Site of the Minnesota Twins: Twins land Young in blockbuster with Rays)

Vacation Anyone?

It's about that time of year again...oh wait, not till February. Spring Training is just around the corner. The Twinkies finally released the tentative schedule for ST down in good ol' Fort Myers, FL. What none of you actually know is that I have a emotional tie to Ft. Myers: my family was fortunate enough to have a condo in Naples (a neighboring city) and one of my favorite memories of all time is going to the condo in the spring and watching a Spring Training game in the lovely Florida weather. If anyone (besides you, Laur) wants to make a visit down to see the boys in February, please shoot me an email and it will be hooked up like a tow truck.

Pardon the interruption...

Not baseball-related, but really funny: Eli Manning: I Wish Everyone Had Listened When I Said My Favorite Sport Was Squash

Cooperstown

Hey there dear reader! Do you happen to be a member of the Baseball Writer's Association of America? Really, you are? Fantastic!

Do Yeah, Buddy! a favor and vote in former Twins to the Hall of Fame:
Jack Morris--Game 7, 10-inning shut-out ... bitch;
Chuck Knoblach--notable (to me) because he is the only player whose name I knew when I saw my Twinkies win the Series at the tender age of 7; and
Bert Blyleven--we are still waiting for you to circle us!

Thanks! We appreciate it.

Hot off the stove

Rumors! I try not to pay very much attention to them. Remember when people were talking about Barry Bonds DH-ing in Minnesota? Barry. Freaking. Bonds. I am having a hard time thinking of a player who would fit WORSE into the Twins organization. Barry Bonds is a big ol' plate of crazy!

My point being: most trade rumors are ridiculous hogwash! But let's induldge the crazies for a moment, shall we?

The Hot Stove: It's the Johan Santana show! Starring everyone's favorite Cy Young winner, he of the razor-thin goatee and sexiest accent ever! He's going to the Yankees (Shocked! I am shocked! -Ed.) or perhaps Los Angeles--both the Angels and the Dodgers have been thrown around. Other sources (ESPN) include the Mets and the Red Sox. These being the only teams that could possibly take on 6 years and 130m. He's got a full no-trade clause and likely won't waive it without a long, fat contract with the new team. Veeeeery interesting. I personally hate the Dodgers and the Mets the least out of those teams, so I hope he goes to either. If he goes. I hope he doesn't go. Think we could get Jose Reyes and David Wright from the Mets? David Wright is fine.

I'm very sorry to report this, Nicky, but I hadn't actually heard it before: Matt Garza to the Rays for Delmon Young. Who? The Rays have trade-worthy players, really? If you say so. Mentioning Matt Garza gives me an excuse to post the Best Roster Photo Ever:

Over at FOXSports.com, the always-erudite Ken Rosenthal kindly informs us that trading for Santana will be really expensive. Wow. You don't say!

A heavy heart

Torii Hunter signed for 5 years and 90 million dollars with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim--what a ridiculous name--and Yeah, Buddy! wishes Torii the best of luck as a Halo.

It was brutally obvious that this was how the story would play out at the trade deadline. Remember how he and other blue-chip players criticised Twins management then? That's not the kind of thing that a contented player says to the media. Color me the opposite of shocked. However much affection I had for Two-I, though, I'm in the camp that believes that he's not worth the contract he got. He has struck me as a player who played to get contracts--I'm certainly not saying he took games off, not at all. But I believe that contract negotiations put a little fire under him. That man is a class act, there's no denying it. But he will most likely wind down his career as a lifetime .265 hitter, posting about 20 HR and 90 RBI for the next couple of seasons--respectable numbers, to be sure, but hardly worth $18m a year. I do believe that in three or four years, Angels' brass will be shaking their head as they sign an $18m check.

Having said all that: bloody hell will I miss the guy.

Now that Torii's tale has been told, what of our good friend Johan? Those reliable "sources" tell us that he was offered what amounted to an extension of 4 years and 80mil. Is he worth it? HELL yes. Is he worth what he's asking--6 years at 126 mil? I don't know. But trading that man is a thought that I don't relish.

Should Twins fans get used to this scenario? Opening Day 2008. Facing Torii in an Angels jersey. And the veteran Twins pitcher toeing the rubber that night is ..... Boof Bonser.

Let's Talk Trade and After That, I'm Gonna Bitch About Something.

So, I'll admit, I've been too wrapped up in hockey season to do anything baseball related lately. Call me a sports cheater, it's the truth. One thing that generally puts a smile on my face is the Twins Mailbag on the Twins website. People write in, Kelly Thesier answers questions way more eloquently than they ask. Now, in the last edition, a very estute reader decided to jump right in. If you scroll down to Matt A's question, you will notice something: he asks a question like they are supposed to be asked. Yeah, so, are we gonna quit pussyfooting around and actually pick up somebody that matters? Cause yeah, that would be swell. I mean, this whole Craig Monroe acquisition is new, but...what's he gonna do for me? He's clearly not an everyday outfielder, nor does he offer a huge batting avg. Not that hot, either. Plus, who are they gonna shit can in exchange for him? If it's Garrett Jones, I will weep salty, salty tears.

All right, sit down baby, let mama holla atcha. Now that I have cleared up the baseball business, I would like to move on to something non-sports related: driving in the left lane. It's really not that hard, guys. If you are driving in the left lane, yo ass best be passing somebody. By that, I mean that you should passing somebody in the right lane because you are going faster than they are. It's not that fucking difficult! Seriously! If I'm tailing you, I'm sorry, but I'm not a lead-footed speed freak (well...that's arguable), you're the asshole. Recognize the fact that I'm tailing you because you're going 53 and I want to be going 60, get off your phone, put down your Decaf Venti Vanilla Bullshit Latte and get the hell over. There are so many times that I'm in the right lane and then I'm like, "oh golly, I need to turn left at some point, perhaps I'll change lanes," or "my ass is late and I need to hurry...changing into the passing lane would be my most logical next step to optimizing my road time," and once I make this positional change, I'M GOING SLOWER THAN I WAS BEFORE! WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS?! In Colorado, if you're on a major highway and you're in the left lane and you're ass is NOT passing somebody, you can get PULLED THE HELL OVER! We need that shit here. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is using the passing lane to FUCKING PASS OTHER CARS. People do not know how to drive. I am not angry when I drive, ask anybody who knows me, I don't make angry faces at people, flick 'em off, nothing. I just get irritated. Heard the old Offspring tune "Bad Habit"? I channel a little bit of that. In the interest of my sanity and that of my fellow Minnesotan drivers, I just want to ask that more drivers just stay in the right lane. I know that there are a lot of sexy songs about being in the fast lane and all that...most of all y'all don't belong there. Sorry.