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It just seemed like a good thing to put up.

Recently seen on a Nashville-area bathroom wall: Theo <3 Johan

Happy December, fair readers! Our lovely Twin Cities have been walloped with snow (and there's more on the way--I wish I still owned cross-country skiis!) and our lovely baseball team has been the belle of the Winter Meetings ball. What's been goin' on around the Majors? Glad you asked.

Johan Watch: Day 47 (or something)! The Yanks have purportedly offered up Phil Hughes (YUM! -Ed.), Melky Cabrera and a mid-level prospect. But they're not going to stand outside the Twins' suite in Nashville, holding a boombox over their heads and playing Peter Gabriel all night! They might just take their giant sack of money and go home.

The BoSox are hanging around, too, acting like they don't even want Johan. Come on, Theo! How do you think that makes him feel? This isn't junior high. Let's put it all out on the table: you're hot for Johan. You go to sleep at night, clutching a giant plush Wally and dreaming of that slider. You're warm for his pitching form. Everybody knows it. Just ask Peter Greenberg to pass Johan a note during next period, telling him that you'll give his current team either Jacoby Ellsbury or Jon Lester, (both cute, but not really my type. -Ed.) but not both.

In other news:
- The Yankees are planning on beating up on a bunch of kids next spring.
- BATGIRL!
- Lew Ford to Japan! Haha, suckers. Told ya so.
- Carlos Silva could get $10m per year? Crikey. Assuming that happens, how do we not get draft picks?
- Howard Sinker wants you to know that it's okay to hate on Torii. Not that we really blame him.

Pat Neshek = Ador(k)able

Our beloved side-arm is such a slut for autographs. He's a huge collector. Pat just signed 1000 autographs for Topps. He still puts the little baseball stitching inside his "P". So adorable. Baseball players are people too.

Whither Art Thou, Starting Pitching?

OR: Dear Juan Rincon, I Wish You Were Dead and/or Had Been Traded to Tampa Bay*
*same difference, in my opinion

The opening act, ladies and gentleman!
In this corner: RHP Smilin' Matt Garza, IF Jason Bartlett and prospie RHP Eduardo Morlan.
In the opposite corner: OF Delmon "Batshit Insane" Young, SS Brendan Harris and OF Jason Pridie.

Goodbye and godspeed, Matt Garza! We will miss you and your very happy roster photo.

On an entirely different note: Why, God, why? "The deal had originally been thought to include right-hander Juan Rincon, but after some holdups in the negotiations, it was changed to include Morlan instead."

Maybe the negotiation "holdups" had to do with Juan Rincon totally sucking ass at, you know, baseball.

Just a thought.

(Official Site of the Minnesota Twins: Twins land Young in blockbuster with Rays)

Vacation Anyone?

It's about that time of year again...oh wait, not till February. Spring Training is just around the corner. The Twinkies finally released the tentative schedule for ST down in good ol' Fort Myers, FL. What none of you actually know is that I have a emotional tie to Ft. Myers: my family was fortunate enough to have a condo in Naples (a neighboring city) and one of my favorite memories of all time is going to the condo in the spring and watching a Spring Training game in the lovely Florida weather. If anyone (besides you, Laur) wants to make a visit down to see the boys in February, please shoot me an email and it will be hooked up like a tow truck.

Pardon the interruption...

Not baseball-related, but really funny: Eli Manning: I Wish Everyone Had Listened When I Said My Favorite Sport Was Squash

Cooperstown

Hey there dear reader! Do you happen to be a member of the Baseball Writer's Association of America? Really, you are? Fantastic!

Do Yeah, Buddy! a favor and vote in former Twins to the Hall of Fame:
Jack Morris--Game 7, 10-inning shut-out ... bitch;
Chuck Knoblach--notable (to me) because he is the only player whose name I knew when I saw my Twinkies win the Series at the tender age of 7; and
Bert Blyleven--we are still waiting for you to circle us!

Thanks! We appreciate it.

Hot off the stove

Rumors! I try not to pay very much attention to them. Remember when people were talking about Barry Bonds DH-ing in Minnesota? Barry. Freaking. Bonds. I am having a hard time thinking of a player who would fit WORSE into the Twins organization. Barry Bonds is a big ol' plate of crazy!

My point being: most trade rumors are ridiculous hogwash! But let's induldge the crazies for a moment, shall we?

The Hot Stove: It's the Johan Santana show! Starring everyone's favorite Cy Young winner, he of the razor-thin goatee and sexiest accent ever! He's going to the Yankees (Shocked! I am shocked! -Ed.) or perhaps Los Angeles--both the Angels and the Dodgers have been thrown around. Other sources (ESPN) include the Mets and the Red Sox. These being the only teams that could possibly take on 6 years and 130m. He's got a full no-trade clause and likely won't waive it without a long, fat contract with the new team. Veeeeery interesting. I personally hate the Dodgers and the Mets the least out of those teams, so I hope he goes to either. If he goes. I hope he doesn't go. Think we could get Jose Reyes and David Wright from the Mets? David Wright is fine.

I'm very sorry to report this, Nicky, but I hadn't actually heard it before: Matt Garza to the Rays for Delmon Young. Who? The Rays have trade-worthy players, really? If you say so. Mentioning Matt Garza gives me an excuse to post the Best Roster Photo Ever:

Over at FOXSports.com, the always-erudite Ken Rosenthal kindly informs us that trading for Santana will be really expensive. Wow. You don't say!

A heavy heart

Torii Hunter signed for 5 years and 90 million dollars with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim--what a ridiculous name--and Yeah, Buddy! wishes Torii the best of luck as a Halo.

It was brutally obvious that this was how the story would play out at the trade deadline. Remember how he and other blue-chip players criticised Twins management then? That's not the kind of thing that a contented player says to the media. Color me the opposite of shocked. However much affection I had for Two-I, though, I'm in the camp that believes that he's not worth the contract he got. He has struck me as a player who played to get contracts--I'm certainly not saying he took games off, not at all. But I believe that contract negotiations put a little fire under him. That man is a class act, there's no denying it. But he will most likely wind down his career as a lifetime .265 hitter, posting about 20 HR and 90 RBI for the next couple of seasons--respectable numbers, to be sure, but hardly worth $18m a year. I do believe that in three or four years, Angels' brass will be shaking their head as they sign an $18m check.

Having said all that: bloody hell will I miss the guy.

Now that Torii's tale has been told, what of our good friend Johan? Those reliable "sources" tell us that he was offered what amounted to an extension of 4 years and 80mil. Is he worth it? HELL yes. Is he worth what he's asking--6 years at 126 mil? I don't know. But trading that man is a thought that I don't relish.

Should Twins fans get used to this scenario? Opening Day 2008. Facing Torii in an Angels jersey. And the veteran Twins pitcher toeing the rubber that night is ..... Boof Bonser.

Let's Talk Trade and After That, I'm Gonna Bitch About Something.

So, I'll admit, I've been too wrapped up in hockey season to do anything baseball related lately. Call me a sports cheater, it's the truth. One thing that generally puts a smile on my face is the Twins Mailbag on the Twins website. People write in, Kelly Thesier answers questions way more eloquently than they ask. Now, in the last edition, a very estute reader decided to jump right in. If you scroll down to Matt A's question, you will notice something: he asks a question like they are supposed to be asked. Yeah, so, are we gonna quit pussyfooting around and actually pick up somebody that matters? Cause yeah, that would be swell. I mean, this whole Craig Monroe acquisition is new, but...what's he gonna do for me? He's clearly not an everyday outfielder, nor does he offer a huge batting avg. Not that hot, either. Plus, who are they gonna shit can in exchange for him? If it's Garrett Jones, I will weep salty, salty tears.

All right, sit down baby, let mama holla atcha. Now that I have cleared up the baseball business, I would like to move on to something non-sports related: driving in the left lane. It's really not that hard, guys. If you are driving in the left lane, yo ass best be passing somebody. By that, I mean that you should passing somebody in the right lane because you are going faster than they are. It's not that fucking difficult! Seriously! If I'm tailing you, I'm sorry, but I'm not a lead-footed speed freak (well...that's arguable), you're the asshole. Recognize the fact that I'm tailing you because you're going 53 and I want to be going 60, get off your phone, put down your Decaf Venti Vanilla Bullshit Latte and get the hell over. There are so many times that I'm in the right lane and then I'm like, "oh golly, I need to turn left at some point, perhaps I'll change lanes," or "my ass is late and I need to hurry...changing into the passing lane would be my most logical next step to optimizing my road time," and once I make this positional change, I'M GOING SLOWER THAN I WAS BEFORE! WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS?! In Colorado, if you're on a major highway and you're in the left lane and you're ass is NOT passing somebody, you can get PULLED THE HELL OVER! We need that shit here. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is using the passing lane to FUCKING PASS OTHER CARS. People do not know how to drive. I am not angry when I drive, ask anybody who knows me, I don't make angry faces at people, flick 'em off, nothing. I just get irritated. Heard the old Offspring tune "Bad Habit"? I channel a little bit of that. In the interest of my sanity and that of my fellow Minnesotan drivers, I just want to ask that more drivers just stay in the right lane. I know that there are a lot of sexy songs about being in the fast lane and all that...most of all y'all don't belong there. Sorry.

BPILF: Fall Classic Edition

Here at YB!, we're notorious Twins superfans. But at least one of us (that being me) is a huge baseball fan, in general. So even though my Twinkies didn't make the playoffs, I'm not bitter. I celebrate their successes. In that spirit, I've looked over the two teams competing for the World Series Championship, and judged them based on the always-rigorous "Would ILF?" scale.

A note on BPILF methodology: If you click the links, do Lauren a favor and don't just look at the roster picture (most of them are terrible!) but look at the gallery for a true showcase of the athletic hottness that these fine players represent.

Boston Red Sox: I'll be totally upfront with y'all and say that I fucking hate the BoSox. Not only are they really old and notoriously not attractive--making this BPILF quite difficult to complete--they annoy the crap out of me. Up until and through 2004 I appreciated the BoSox plight, because as a Cubbies fan we shared a similar pain: the pain of choking at the worst possible moment. But then the BoSox won the Series, started giving out huge money to average-at-best players (SEE: Eric Gagne, J.D. Drew, etc) and became perennial contenders with a payroll that is eerily close to that of the "Evil Empire".

But--this is the worst of it! Their irritating fans still cling to this incredible belief, that despite their $140m-plus payroll, that the Sox are the same charming, loveable losers with the can-do spirit that they were in 2004. Cowboy up, my ass! The BoSox are the Yankees.

Having said that, there are a few players who make this year's Fall Classic tolerable on the eyes:
1. Boston Becks. Yeah, he's an ass. He wears a dumbass-looking hemp necklace. He has a soul patch (Dude. It's 2007. Move on.) He's un-sportsmanlike. But he's a fuckin' good pitcher and he knows it, and that's pretty hot. Josh Beckett is that guy in school who's popular and good at sports and knows exactly how hot he is, and you want to hate him for it, but you can't because you agree that he's hot as hell. Well, shit.

2. Jon Lester. He's a cutie. And I would say mean things about him but I can't, because he has cancer.

3. Jacoby Ellsbury.

4. Jonathan Papelbon.

5. Dustin Pedroia. This is a pretty good example of the lack of a depth of attractiveness in the BoSox lineup. On a lot of other teams, he'd be an honorable mention. But with teammates like Gagne, Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Youk, he's a hottie by comparison. Sheesh. Message Terry Francona, et al: Find. Hotter. Players.

Honorable Mention: Gonna give some love to the 40-man roster: Kyle Jackson, and... um... Kevin Cash.

Cripes. That was hard.

Now, in this corner: The Colorado Rockies, darlings of October baseball. These are the real underdogs, people! In fact, they are so committed to the underdog label that they decided to start the World Series 0-3, just so they could stage a dramatic comeback. I like the Rox. They have a microscopic payroll and they're chock-a-block full of homegrown talent. They have the presumptive NL Rookie of the Year and NL MVP. No shit, I'm biased. Who can blame me? They are much hotter than their AL opponents. You be the judge:

1. Chris Iannetta. Back-up catcher, yeah whatevs. We tell you time and time again, this has nothing to do with athletic prowess. It's all about being shallow.

2. Troy Tulowitzki. I might be all alone on this one, but I think he's so hot.

3. Brad Hawpe.

4. Seth Smith. Damn.

5. Matt Holliday.

Honorable Mention: More love to the 40-man roster, in the form of Ian Stewart and Sean Barker.

YB! knows that the off-season is approaching, but never fear, because we've got lots of wonderful things planned! I'm working on MLB-wide BPILF lists, culminating in my magnum opus, the BPILF fantasy team. Trust me that shamelessly judging professional athletes solely on their physical attractiveness isn't as easy or as fun as it sounds. Okay, that's a lie. Until next time!

Stick a fork in Cleveland, they're done.

Ah, the sweet taste of victory. I like the fact that the BoSox took the AL. Maybe I feel vindicated since we lost to the Tribe. Either way, this is going to make so many people fat...and happy. Just a friendly heads up.

Fun with food

So, over Summits and Premos, Lauren and I had a hell of a time tonight discussing what we thought the initials in C.C. Sabathia's name stood for. We came up with four main possibilities: Cheeseburger Consumer, Chief Chomper, Chocolate Covered and Chocolate Chip. This lead to talking about food. I was craving a muffeletta of sorts and when I started describing this to Lauren, the following conversation took place:
Nicky: "I want to take some french bread, throw on some capicola or proscuitto, [genoa] salami, and pepperoni and provolone. Toasted."
Lauren: "Do you know what that's called?"
Nicky: "A muffeletta?"
Lauren: "No..."
Nicky: "A Saltalamacchia?!"*
Now, to the business idea: we are going to open up a baseball restaurant and have all the food named after players. We came up with a few ideas for food, but the food need to relate to the player some how. Here are the ideas:
Carlos Silva - Beef Skewers
CC Sabathia - Cheeseburger
David Ortiz - Beef Enchilada
Juan Rincon - Beef and Bean Burrito
Magglio Ordonez - Paella
Coco Crisp - Coco Crispies (I know, tres creative)
Boof Bonser - Deep Fried Snickers
Alex Rodriguez - Shrimp Cocktail
Jonathan Papelbon - Creme Brulee
(Any and all suggestions are welcome for additional menu items)
So yeah, we were watching the game, but this is the type of thing that happens when Lauren and I watch baseball with beers in hand.

For the ALCS, Lauren and I are taking opposing sides. She is cheering for the Tribe and while I'm not speaking on her behalf, I think part of it is the fact that they beat us. Cheers.
I fucking hate the Yankees. Therefore, I love Boston. Simple as that. AL Reppin.

*Upon earlier discussion circa August, Lauren and I decided that Jarrod Saltalamacchia's surname sounded like a delicious Italian sandwich.

Post Script

Confidential to Lew Ford:

Nicky said that I was a little too harsh in my correspondence to you the other day. My sincerest apologies if my attacks were a bit too ad hominem. In future rants regarding your general crappiness, I will do my best to focus on your baseball skills, and the many ways in which those skills are, at best, sub-par.

However, I would like to throw in a positive note: I like that you wear the short pants. That's a look that I really want to make a comeback (seriously, ask Nicky--I love the short pants and stirrups). Keep on rocking those knickers.

I'm still glad you're no longer a Twin, though.

Whatever,
Lauren

Bon voyage!

Dear Lew Ford,

I would like to take this time to wish you the best possible luck in free agency. No, in all honesty. It take cajones for a gentleman like yourself to hit about .230 on the year, spending most of your time in left field being confused by the Metrodome ceiling (more on this later), and on the occasion that you're put in to pinch-run, make baserunning mistakes that your average Double-A player can avoid.

Right. A Triple-A assignment is most definitely beneath you. Maybe you could play for the Reds--they suck as much as you do. Or the Cardinals, although you might want to take out a sizeable Aflac and/or life insurance policy if you head down to St. Louis.

But, seriously, the thing with the Metrodome ceiling, what was that? I understand that it can mess a ballplayer up sometimes. One of the things that I love about that monstrosity on Kirby Puckett Place is its ability, once in a while, to throw a visiting player totally off his game. And I know that you went and had knee surgery and then spent some time in Florida (most likely playing shuffleboard).
But Lew, my dear, they didn't change the Metrodome ceiling while you were gone. For a dude who has called the Metrodome home for his entire career in the majors, that's pretty much unacceptable.

Also, just a thing to remember: This isn't 2004, when you hit .300 with 15 HR. This is 2007, the year you batted .230 with a whopping 3 longballs. Just something to keep in your mind when the D-Rays are offering you league minimum to split time between Triple-A and the majors. Yeah. THE D-RAYS.

Au revoir, mon ami! I will miss your doofy face with the perpetual "I wonder what I should order for dinner? I wonder if I'll get back to the hotel in time to a watch Star Trek: The Next Generation rerun? Ooops missed a pop fly again!" look on your face. I will miss you, even if only because a girl can only complain so much about Juan Rincon and his ballooning ERA.

Ciao!
Signed,
Lauren (who doesn't like to admit that Jason Kubel is growing on her a little bit. I have a feeling that soon, that dude will be able to hit.)

This is why I suck

So, I haven't posted in awhile, obviously. I was in denial about the Twins' season ending, so I just turned to my second love, hockey, rather than dealing with the loss. There is a post-season wrap up coming soon, I swear. In the meantime, I cried a little bit inside, because I love Lew Ford (and I don't quite know why...) and he will no longer be with our team. If you need me, I will be drowning all of my current sorrows in a glass of vodka with my lone pack of cigarettes to keep me company.

I hate Detroit.

When Detroit was at the Dome last, I (hand)wrote a whole post of the reasons why I hate that damn team. Unbeknownst to me, BLB had already done pretty much the exact same thing (or said Nicky when I read her the post: "Dude, do you have to fuckin' rip off BLB so blatently?"). They may have said it first, they may say it better. But I have to say it too.

Nate Robertson: Your glasses are stupid looking. Really, has no one ever told you that? Perhaps you are the butt of some sort of extended clubhouse prank.

Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez: Stop being so good. Seriously.

Todd Jones: Muttonchops? Seriously? I know, 300 career saves, blah blah blah. All I see are muttonchops.

Magglio Ordonez: You have stupid, flowing hair. When you run in to catch a shallow fly, or at the end of the inning, you look ridiculous. Cut your hair, then maybe you'll win some titles. Ever think that Justy's MVP title had more to do with him being fine as hell than his rather mediocre numbers? I sure do.

Gary Sheffield: Maybe--just maybe!--it's not that the Yankees, all baseball scouts, all beat reporters and most of the people who work in professional baseball are all racists. But maybe, maybe, it's that you're an ass who says stupid shit, and that they don't like you, Gary Sheffield. Maybe.

Socked.

Twins 4, White Sox 6. So sad. I was in the lower level with my good buddy Matt. I was pretty happy with the game, all in all. Honestly, it was a good game, it was back and forth. 3 strikes from the Sox, 12 from the Twinkies. I cannot say how excited I am to see what happens with Blackie. He's just a puppy. He's a strong pitcher and I think he could do a lot for us.
I have a strong connection to Lew Ford for some reason. I don't know why. I just love the dude. Laur makes fun of me for it. He's back in left field, where he belongs and he made such a wicked catch in T7. Basketballer-style jump. Y'know, we made the list of things that Matt Garza likes...how about a list of things that Lew likes? I hafta give props to my buddy Matt for his major input. And now, I give you things that Lew Ford likes:

• Rocking Chairs
• Sunsets
• Warm Milk
• Arnie Palmers
• Matlock
• Murder She Wrote
• Going to bed early
• Magic Cards
  

Things Lew does not like:

• Driving faster than 5 mph under the speed limit
• Hooligans
• Rabble rousers
• Waking up any later than 8:00 am
• Damn punk kids
• Noisy hippy-hop rap music...just sounds like noises and loud talking

Runs scored for the Twins in innings 3 and 6. White Sox scored in innings 1, 4, 5 and 7. Very back and forth. We'll see what happens tomorrow, it's an early game, so the boys might be cranky, what with missing their naps and Mr. Rogers and whatnot. You get the idea.

Fetch me a broom!

Because we swept the series!! Yeah, buddy! #2 BF, Matt Garza, I am very proud of you! There was smiling last night, at least on my end of things. Hopefully, we can take that momentum into this weekend and avoid being swept by the White Sox.
Also, props to the Strib fan blog for this little gem. I will take this into account when I'm at the game tomorrow.

Sorry this is so short, my little brother was in a motorcycle accident last night, so aside from not seeing the game, I'm a little bit off still. Cheers all the same.

Yay!!! 5-4!

Jason Bartlett, you are my boyfriend all over again. Did you see that? Bottom 9, Lew Ford (my favorite player for some reason) on 2, Bartlett pops it, Kinsler makes it look like we're going into extra innings and then--Whoops! Didn't quite catch it! RBI double, Lewwwwwww runs home. Loves it. We won and JUAN RINCON was on the mound...that is good. However, what was with that swing that Punt-Oh made in the 9th? You curl over to avoid being hit by the ball, but you still swing at it? Who ARE you? Bad plan, guy. Can we send Punt-Oh and the Fatty to the minors? Please? That would be swell. Just a thought. Kick it around for awhile.

Casilla makes a no no

So I've been a whore. I haven't been updating. Kill me, go ahead. I will be at Friday's game v. White Sox and both Lauren and I will be at Sunday's game...we think. Until then, maybe we won't lose a game between now and then. Wouldn't that be nice? In the meantime, I thought this was kinda funny. Baseball players are people too.

Eat it with a fork.

I love winning. I'm a competitive girl, so anytime I or "my team" wins, I am happy. I watched the game tonight on and off between work and the bar, so I'm thrilled with what I saw. One thing all y'all must recognize is that I catch games whenever/wherever I can. If I'm at work and I can turn on FSN, I will. I am also dorky enough that I will make my own scorecard to watch the game and notate with. People wonder why I'm single.
My #3 BF (Jason Bartlett) played lead-off in the batting order tonight. First up, gets a BB. That's okay. He ends up scoring the first run of the evening off of Mr. J Mo. Love it. KC answers back with two runs in the second. I had to stop watching because I was at work and had to do work-y things. Go figure. All I know is that I ended up at the bar later with my friend Amy and saw that we were up 5-3. Guess what? We ended up winning 6-3! Cash money, hoes. In T9, I guess Casilla scored because my #3 BF got him an RBI. I like it. Mr. Bartlett tends to have trouble in the first few innings of the games he plays in. I don't know why...we haven't talked about it yet. I made a psuedo-scorecard out of a piece of lined paper and here are the notes I took:

• I heart ankle protectors....they're hot. Don't ask me why I think that.
• What's so Royal about Kansas City? Answer me that.
• Grudzielanek: Long name, pretty face.
• Casilla = Bad bunter. Don't know why.
• LaRue looks like a midget standing next to J Mo...maybe because J Mo is 6'4"
• Scott Baker has nice lips.
• BF #3 and I need to have a chat about game beginnings...not fucking them up.

I'm really excited to see Nick Blackburn's progression. I think he could be a huge asset to our bullpen next season. Obviously we're at season's end so we're bringing out the new kids to see what kind of damage they can do, but I think Blackie's gonna be a great addition to our team. Feel free to leave your comments. I'm kinda drunk. Going to bed. Kisses!

Nice, guys, nice.

Well, I'm proud of our boys. Big opening win last night in KC. Apparently, we made a good pick with this new kid, Nick Blackburn. I'm excited to see what kind of work he does next season. While I was at one of my other jobs today, one of my customers asked me to give him my prediction for next season. I didn't really know what to tell him. I'm still in this season and then, I will just say that I court two lovers: the Twins and the Wild. Sorry to break hearts open, but I will start turning my attention to the boys in the Green Sweaters soon. I will NOT leave my homies, but in the winter, it is HOCKEY TIME. At any rate, Lauren's #1 honey, Mr. Baker will be on the mound tonight, so I think we're in for a good game. I think it'll be a game, though, I doubt this will be an easy win. Hey offense! Step it up!

Also, big thanks to BLB for the link! Kisses!

Help Wanted

Position available, located behind home plate at HHH Metrodome. Must be able to travel. Job duties include squatting for long periods at a time, catching baseballs at 90 mph, batting well, smiling. If you cry because you get a booboo from a base running error between first and second base, you need not apply. No wussies. Send application, resume and head shot to me.

Yeah, not good to be a Twins catcher right now. Seriously.

Okay, game recap time. B1, White Sox score two runs. I was running errands at this point, so I didn't actually watch it. T2, Contreras gets beaned in the leg by L. Rodriguez. Eat it, bitch. Contreras walks it off and continues pitching. Atta boy, champ. One run scored for us. T3, we take a big lead, scoring four runs. At this point, I was like "Hells yeah! We have GOT this! It is IN THE BAG!" I was wrong. B4, Chicago comes back and says "Eat this, three runs, whores!" Because of this, Matt Garza cries. However, we make a very nice game of tag between third and home plate to end the inning. Looked like something you'd see in a movie. If you were to be scoring it, it would be notated as 6-4-5-1-5. To come back from this, our brand new catcher, Mr. Morales stumbles over himself in between first and second bases in T5. Big owie. No smiles. Limps off the field. We score a run that inning. T6, Two-I hits a homer. High five buddy. 7-5. I think we're going to win now. Contreras taps out. Mike Myers to the mound. Not pretty. Like, he's not hot. B7, Pierzynski (former Twin, I might add) pinch hits off of fresh pitcher Carmen Cali, home run right there. Mr. Sidearm comes in to relieve Cali. Two outs. Two more runs scored. 8-7. T8, MacDougal to the mound, pitches .2 of the inning. Thorton to the mound to close the half of the inning. B8, bases loaded with White Sox, 2 away, Matt Guerrier steps in. Gets the K. Hotness. Scoreless on both sides for the rest of the game.
White Sox Manager, Ozzie Guillen said "The last two games were the ugliest games I've ever seen in baseball, for both sides." Not too hot.

Things Matt Garza Likes

Sorry we've been slackers lately. Lauren just moved and does not have internet at home yet. On Thursday, I was giving 22 a big, warm welcome. Now, I am back at it.
So, if you look at Matt Garza's bio pic, he's so happy looking! Quite some time ago, Lauren and I were discussing this and wondered "Golly, I wonder what Matt Garza likes? He sure looks like something makes him happy." Therefore, we started listing possibilities.

• Warm fuzzies
• Presents
  
• Puppies that are soft
• Ice Cream
• Sunshine
• Mommy and Daddy
• Smiling
  
• Baseball
• Torii Hunter
• Bonfires
• Rainbows
• Cookies
• Naps
• Pinatas
• Karaoke
• Nightlights
• Opening Day
  
• Sno-Cones
• Apple Juice
• Chocolate Milk
  
• Friends
  
• Watching Mr. Rogers
• Birthdays
• Hugs
• BBQs
• S'mores
• Fun
• Things that are shiny
• Christmas Day
  

Then again, there are things that Matt Garza does not like:

• Owies
• Booboos
• Thunderstorms, 'cause they're scary
• Gardy when he's mad
• Cold Pricklies
• Rain-outs
• Juan Rincon
• Cancer
• Swears
  

Okay, these lists are works in progress, so we will add as needed. Feel free to suggest.

Happy Motherfucking Labor Day.

Well, that was neat. Sabathia took our squad, bent him over his knee and made us beg. My #3 boyfriend, Mr. Jason Bartlett made a severe embarrassment out of himself in the first half of the game. Though the Twins were only given one E the entire game, I'm pretty sure BF#3 was spacy as all get out with the 2 errors that I counted against him within the first two innings.
We saw a new face out on the mound today, Nick Blackburn. According to SI, he has a 2.11 ERA in his 17 starts in the minors. Not bad, sir. JoJo was just not with us today; in his 8 innings on the mound, he walked four batters, including Kenny Lofton at the very beginning of the game. All in all, he had 4 K's, gave up 5 runs and just did not seem happy.
On a happier note, those of you watching the game saw a wicked good save by Two-I to close the top of the 9th. It was one of those neat-looking diving catches that looked like it belonged in a baseball movie. The funny part about it was that after he made the somersaulted catch, he came out of the roll and sprung right up like he was on springs. Kinda neat, gotta be honest.
I think I'm just going to end this here. If I go on, I'm going to start getting angry, and quite frankly, I really just want to sit here, drink my Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat Beer and enjoy the weather. Cheers.

Royal Pain in the Ass

Tough game. I've started to refer to Boof Bonser as "Boof the Doof." The KC offense had us pretty bad. Big ups to Alex Gordon and John Buck for their respective homeruns. Thanks. Not only do we lose, but we lose by a fair margin. Shake it off, we kinda knew it was going to happen.
Suffice it to say, I honestly think that the team is resting up for tomorrow's game. They know that Lauren and I will be in attendance, so they really want to impress us. It was nice to see my #4 boyfriend, Mr. Jones on the field. I wish he would play on my field...wait, sorry. My bad. Good to give J Mo a little break before tomorrow. We did have a little defense switch-a-roo, though, I guess Nicky Punt-Oh couldn't take the heat.
At any rate, we had a run on the board by the time we closed down, so all hope is not quite lost. Plus, JoJo is on the mound tomorrow, which should help us a little. He can't carry the whole team er anything, but it'll be good to see him. I will add that watching Scott Baker at the Dome the other night was nothing short of magical. That is where he does his work. Didn't get the no-hitter, but a truly stellar performance. My shirt goes off to you, sir.

Roundin the Bases

So one thing we do in our spare time is expand the "Baseball as Sex" metaphor. Obviously, most people will refer to the various bases and whatnot. However, we've taken it to the extreme. There was one game where J Mo hit a delicious fly to the outfield wall, but it was contestable as either a GR double vs. homerun. Lusty Justy ran to third and then kinda skipped home. Once they ruled it as a double, he just kinda stood on third base and was like "Nuh uh! I'm staying here!" We determined that that was the equivalent of kissing, making out, then oral, then a little sum'in sum'in, but finishing off things in the mouth-al region, if you catch my drift. Just when I thought we were awesome, BLB linked us to this lovely little entry from Epic Carnival. Enjoy.

Tonight, tonight.

We were Incredibly Close to seeing something really amazing tonight: A Perfect Twins game. I'm told (sources unreliable) that our Twinkies have never accomplished this feat.

Mr Scott Baker (....who is my boyfriend....) was a BB, an FC and a 1B away from that. It was really something.

I hate to say this about a 5-0, 1-hitter win, but I have no choice: That. Broke. My. Heart.

And it's not just about being a Twins fan. It's about being a fan of the game, and being someone who really loves the little stuff about baseball. I want to see a no-no. I want to catch a foul ball. I want to see my boys win in October (...as someone over the age of 7, which I was for the '91 Series. )

Tonight I came so very close. Tonight was really something special.

Tomorrow's Game(s)

Well, tomorrow is the big double-header against our friends, the KC Royals. Throughout the season, we are 5-6 with them, so my thoughts are as follows:
For the afternoon game (which is the game that was rescheduled from the bridge collapse, for those of you living underneath rocks), my boyfriend Matt Garza is going to have a helluva time. Honestly, he has not been mounting a serious effort lately and I'm hoping that he will turn it around, but I can't say for sure that I think he will. I mean, seriously, his ERA for the last month...well, let's just say it doesn't make my mouth water.
As for the night game, Lauren and I will be in attendance. The Twins have been victorious at every game we've been to this season, so I have no reason to believe we will lose. Then again, Gardy could get drunk on the job and throw Juan Rincon in as a starter. Here's hopin' for good decisions.
If all goes well, we will have pictures, stories, in-depth analysis and suggestions for good spots to drink at the end of the evening.

Top 10 Spread

This is the list of the Top 10 "Most Spreadable Twins Players". For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, when a player is attractive, we tend to say, "I want to spread him on a cracker". With that, I give you the Top 10 Spread.
10. Scott Baker RHP
9. Torii Hunter OF
8. Johan Santana LHP
7. Pat Neshek LHP
6. Joe Nathan RHP
5. Justin "J. Mo" Morneau 1B
4. Garrett Jones OF
3. Jason Bartlett SS
2. Matt Garza RHP
1. Joe Mauer C

This list is based off of sheer appearance, it has nothing to do with stats/performance.